The Road to Ultra

I want to give thanks to everyone for the incredible support I've received over the past few days. It really means a lot and I appreciate each and every one of you.

Now that I have had a few days to reflect upon the event, I've also received incredible value.

You see, the taste of it has not left my mouth. No, it's not a bitter taste. In fact, taste is too weak a word. It's a hunger.

I am hungry for the success.

In 1999, I stood in front of a mirror and felt defeat. I was grossly overweight, depressed, and sneered at the reflection in the mirror. I considered myself a fat slob with no hope of changing ... I honestly felt I was doomed to be trapped in an unhealthy body for the rest of my life.

When my best friend, a father and loving husband, was taken suddenly by cancer, I felt the hunger. When my wife told me she was pregnant with our daughter, I felt the hunger. It was a hunger to do something better. To stop being a victim. To take action and take control, and stop acting like a piece of driftwood in a fast-flowing stream. It was time to stop letting the water spin me around and lead me to my fate, and instead take charge.

That hunger did not fade. It drove me to wake up at 4:30 in the morning so that I could train before driving into the office at 7:30. It drove me to overcome battles with severe food addictions that left me sweating and desperate to shove crap down my throat. It drove me to ultimately shed a foot from my waist, lost over 65 pounds of fat, but more importantly, to learn that I was in charge and while it takes courage to live the life you've imagined, it's possible.

I can still remember the precise moment when I realized I was not dieting, or on some temporary fix, but that my life had truly transformed. Our office held a birthday celebration each month for everyone who had a birthday that month. They would load the breakroom with cupcakes and donuts and ice cream. It was a popular event. I had another event planned and had decided I would not be eating sweets on that day. So, I filled my cup of coffee and went down to mingle and socialize with my coworkers.

I had a moment of clarity. Some people reminded me of my former self ... lined up like drug addicts, wolfing down every cupcake or donut in site. Some were in control - they may have had something sweet, but it was their choice and that was fine. Some were resisting, knowing they shouldn't, but on edge because they really wanted to make an excuse and break down.

And then it hit me. I wasn't resisting! I didn't have to resist. I felt so great being in the best shape of my life, that it actually felt better to NOT eat a cupcake. It was an odd epiphany but was a major turning point.

Somehow over the past several years, some little old habits have crept in. I lost the discipline to wake up early in the morning, so I'd just let my workouts slide to later in the day. Then the excuses were easy to make: "It's been a long day. I'm tired" and so the workouts were missed altogether. While my nutrition has always been healthy, I did let a few more sweets and snacks sneak in. In short, I stopped enjoying what it was like to be healthy and in control, and started letting myself drift again.

Drifting isn't fun. It's disempowering.

And then I remembered the quote from Marianne Williamson's Return to Love (often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela):

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Wow, how powerful is that? Powerful beyond measure? But it's so easy to give up our power.

The taste is still there, in my mouth.

On that course at 4 hours and just past the 19-mile marker, I met myself. And I love me, but I also saw a little bit of fear in my eyes ... fear that I was drifting a little to much, instead of resisting the current.

One of my dearest gifts is from a friend who gave me a coffee mug that reads, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." It is a quote from Henry David Thoreau.

How appropriate! Did I imagine skipping workouts, gaining a little weight before the event, or throwing in the towel? No. And I don't regret pulling myself out ... it was the right thing to do ... but it wasn't about that day or missing Powerade stations or even the heat. It was about the months leading up to it. It's about the lack of consistency and the little excuses here and there that add up over time.

But now I taste it again. I met myself on that course, smiled, we shook hands, and I took my courage back. Now I'm 100% on. I don't want to make any grand announcement or commitment because it's not my words that will make a difference, it's my actions.

So these next few weeks I will speak loudly through my actions. I have an event coming up in a few months ... May 19th ... Twisted Ankle. I have my training plan in place and will post it soon. I just finishing my strength yoga and feel great ... and still have that taste in my mouth. I'm hungry.

And I'm no longer drifting.

Jeremy